The real problem of the 21st century is not war or climate change, but streetlights. For more than 200 years, Westminster’s gas lamps have illuminated streets and troubled souls, weathering industrial revolutions, bombings, and the era of reggaeton. Now, the enemy has a name: functional LED lamps, designed to destroy all traces of charm and replace it with a depressing white light worthy of a waiting room.
A small army of incorrigible romantics—the self-proclaimed London Gasketeers—has decided that not on their watch, not while they still have lungs to speak and petitions to sign. Their mission: to save all the street lamps in Westminster.
This crusade, which smells of mothballs, old paper, and dignity, has managed to catch the attention of the Daily Mail—yes, that refuge of scandalous headlines, moral paranoia, and photos of celebrities leaving the supermarket. For once, the Mail dealt with something important: street lamps. Gas lamps, as they should be.
According to Tim Bryars, a bookseller in Cecil Court and a crusading knight in this campaign, the lamps not only light up the streets, but also the spirits. “Each lamppost emits—he explains with the seriousness of someone who has read more books than you have in your entire life—a light that replicates that of the sun, with a glow that seems almost alive.” Unlike LED lights, which replicate, with remarkable accuracy, the lighting of a police interrogation.
So far, Bryars and his cronies have saved 174 of the original 302 street lamps, although 94 are still in danger of being replaced by versions that could have been designed by a committee of tax accountants. Not content with halting the advance of the vulgar, they have documented every surviving lamppost with the meticulousness of a medieval monk—with just the right amount of fanaticism for the task.
And for those who argue that “we have to be environmentally friendly,” Bryars makes it clear, without raising his voice: these lampposts consume less gas than you exhale when shouting on social media. So next time you walk through Westminster under a gas lamp that is still standing, thank a bookseller. And remember, it’s not just light, it’s a small triumph of beauty over tedium.
And if you don’t care about any of this… well, never mind, the Daily Mail still has news about Meghan Markle.
